r. kell dorado

a while ago i was bitching about the antiquated senses of humor at my collich. ever the hypocrite, i retrofitted my fingers for typing about a bit of news that first emerged when the bernstein bears were teaching the peters how to read and larry had just hit 4 digits in syndication royalties for his role as the mama bear in homeward bound. i wanna say 2005 is when i first hurr'd about it. it's only now that i live in montana, a veritable media preservatory that i can fully appreciate the artistic profundity of a new driver getting facelaced with og lemon gatorade. more importantly, though, is the influence of these troubled times on the way i see the world. the modern man must hustle, even if that means pee pee profiteering. with hell's kells at the forefront, we will soon see the birth of a new wave of catheter capitalists. walk with me. if you ever attain r. kelly's level of creativity or tolerance for indecency, you might be able to profit from your own equivalent to the kelly bobby bladder bomb.

what would you do to be famous? i would let an r&b genius like robert pee on my girlfriend. he's a celebrity! a black, musically inclined one at that. all he drinks is top shelf bubbly and life water. it's a tough world out there. kids bathe in the same nile that hippos mate in. heath ledger (r.i.p.) faked having sex with donnie darko just to knock "knight's tale" a little further/farther down his imdb resume. i figure getting kidney cleansed by closet kelly is at least worth a few appearances on howard stern and awkward interview in whatever hollywood garage jimmy kimmel's shitshow is filmed in. a little overintellectualization in the p.r. post production studio might even merit dense discussion on npr with one of those throaty-voiced temptresses whose voices are so lofi their shows could open for the strokes without waking baby. how better to come by some buzz than to plop your significant other down in a chair and watch her get hosed down like a civil rights protester? saydatdieeeeen

r. kelly handled this situation horribly. the would-be peer north hatched his idea without proper incubation. it had fetal alcohol syndrome. oh, what could have been. going the indie route had proven prudent for similarly risque material like amores perros and prodigy's return of the mack album, so the man can to some degree be forgiven for his misstepinthenameoflove. the handycam route adds to the feeling of authentic spontanaeity, but i'd like you to consider for the moment the death star's cold and ruthless despatchment of alderaan at the order of grand moff tarkin. that is exactly what the r. kelly preteen pee peein' video would've looked like it had it been directed by hype williams. given the morman penchant for kinkiness, there's almost no way tinkle tinkle little star fails to win at sundance.

think about the viral potential of a bladder bath masterpiece with the celebrity factor. even 2girls1cup could've been beautiful were the elements for which it was named replaced by a masked toby maguire hanging upside down and vomitting down the throat of kirsten dunst watson. if dressing up in labcoats and enriching mentos and diet pepsi for weaponization and watching it spray all over the place was infectiously catchy, consider the epidemic breadth promised by the pee-borne pathogen. the promotional value is just incalculable. the free world knows who zinedine zidane is and he didn't spray forensic evidence all over the guinea pig. for a guy with robert's vocal skills, this means internet and e-channel synergy combined with considerable clamor for a no-brainer chocolate rain remix.

local rapper, vocal trapper