laughing matters

common gotta write another song. still kinda love my b.a.b.y. who i'm talking, ya'll, is funny. my down bitch throughout the formatives, she took as many forms as the operating room blueprints for britney spears (her only substantial rival for my affection during the decade where i flipped my baby teeth). now, like clay aiken's penis, she seems for the most part to be relevant only for her conspicuous absence.

she might've watched over me always. she certainly predated me at least by a year (had to check wikipedia to see when "kids" first aired). i didn't consciously appreciate her until i found her in my dad's cassete duets with van morrison, the soccer sideline cartwheel collection of prop 8 heavyweight jake gratzer, and the question of why black people wore such heavy clothing in the summer sun. she was pretty then, and through my cognitive development her impact on my eyes only became easier. our relationship was as open as the checkbooks at the department of defense, and i wouldn't have had it any other way. i loved sharing her, sometimes gangbanging her in dark movie theatres with dogpiles of friends. i was certain that kind of socialized single-payer sex act with funny would be characteristic of eternity. sure, there were rough patches accentuated by my lack of synchronicity with the laugh track on saved by the bell, but her warm touch gave my belly a pleasant soreness and i thought eythang was peace.

i noticed the signs. indeed, my subcon was on the fritz when she started to come around less often. straight facedness had me biting my nails, scratching with religious fervor the wildlife preserve above my dougie, and tapping my feet on the floor like a republican congressman in a bathroom stall. poor consumer taste saw dave's show, king of the hill and arrested development die as prematurely as the child of chris benoit and the metaphor i lugged through the first paragraph. the truth is that i hadn't noticed until today when a few kids on my floor at school engaged in a heated exchange of wouldbecomedic chuck norris mythology.

like the appendix or senior white house correspondent david gregory, chuck norris jokes serve as an otherwise useless reminder that we all came from monkeys. to judge from the pair i saw testing their respective collections like pokemon cards in the heat of battle, i'm not entirely sure we all made it.

these days, when i'm not at the drawing board putting touches on some funny of my own, i look for it at one of these fine retailers.